


Give 'em a smile, it'll piss them off.

by orphan_account



Category: Doctor Who (2005), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Bruce is basically dying while the Doctor is having a leisurely stroll, Childish Doctor, Clint gets kidnapped by a giant bird, Curious Tony, Gen, I need help, Nick has had enough of the Doctor's shit, Sarcastic Tenth Doctor, Steve does not know how to technology, This is just getting weirder as it progresses
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-06
Updated: 2017-06-04
Packaged: 2018-10-28 21:50:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 8,628
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10840152
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: The Avengers have finally captured a sought after personnel and have him under custody.Only thing is, they are an endless bag of sunshine and sarcasm which makes interrogation a smidge difficult.





	1. 'The Doctor'

Swinging on a chair, he sat in the interrogation room.  
He could obviously tell that there were one way mirrors lining the walls, he had noticed that as soon as he set foot in the room. He also knew that they were monitoring him. Waiting for him to make a move, do anything to evoke suspicion. 

Of course they would, they were bloody humans.  
They see anything they don't understand and they had three modes:  
A) Ignore it entirely  
B) Attack it  
C) Interrogate it violently  
On all honesty, he found it amusing. Little hairless apes squabbling around to each other, acting as if they had the upper hand.  
He spied the supposedly disguised camera and waved cheerfully, a massive smile plastered on his face. 

-

"So why did you drag us out here this time?" Inquired Tony, perching himself on a table. He was the only one of the group who was taking this in a playful manor, probably because he failed to read the overview.

A series of images flashed on the wall, all being pictures of various men. They appeared to have no correlation with each other, apart from their outrageous sense of fashion.  
"They call themselves 'The Doctor'" Fury clasped his hands being his back. "From what we can gather, this is a name passed on from generation to generation. Each continuing to carry on the others work."

"Why exactly do they pose a threat?" A woman with scarlet hair asked, studying the faces of the men presented.  
"Wherever these men are, disaster follows. We've been tracking them for a while now, and now that we have one of them under custody, 

The images flashed to a video feed of the interrogation room. They watched as the man waved jubilantly at them, putting on a pair of black rimmed glasses and smiling.

-

At the sound of the door unlatching, the Doctor perked his head up, grinning at the sight of the man with the eyepatch.

The man held his coat, lifting it up with an eyebrow raised.  
"You have some interesting items here" he stated, staring through him.  
"Can't go on adventures with empty pockets, now can I?" He quipped happily.  
"Right."  
"What's with the long face? It's much better to be happy, you know." He took a child-like stance, tucking a knee under his chin with his hands draped on top of them.

The grumpy man stayed quiet.  
"Why don't you bring your friends in?" He nodded to the mirror, "They're all watching anyways" he suddenly put his feet on the black tiled floor and tapped them against the surface. "Besides, It'll be fun!" He exclaimed, gesturing wildly.

"You don't get a say in this" he gritted out.  
"...Rude" he muttered, un-deflated. 

Eye patch, as the Doctor was dubbing him for now, began emptying the contents of his pockets.  
Out came a variety of objects, ranging from a pair of 3D glasses, a rubics cube, a few spoons and an assortment of pocket watches.  
He started laying them all out on the table. Out came more items: A few pairs of keys, a kaleidoscope, a wallet with a piece of paper and a very science -y looking rod. The last two he sat in a different pile.

Eye patch raised an eyebrow, yet again.  
"Oh, you found my human-cattle prod! I was looking for that!"  
Eye patch's stare remained un-broken.  
"Okay- not a cattle prod. Just trying to lighten the mood." He laughed, putting his hands up in defence. "sue me" 

"What is this?" He demanded.  
"That" he said, emphasizing the t, "Is my sonic screwdriver" at Eye patch's glare, he added "It's good for building shelves, I build a lot of shelves you know. I should make a little shop, specifically for assembling shelves. Can never have too many shelves..." he scratched the short stubble on his neck. "That's a good idea" he mumbles thoughtfully.

"Enough stalling, who are you?"  
"I- am the Doctor" he said, and began spinning himself on the chair.  
"The 'Doctor'?" He repeated, spitting.  
"That's my name, love" he winked "Don't wear it out"  
"What's your real name?" He practically slammed his fists on the long oval table.  
The doctor spun himself around one last time. "That is my name." He replied. " _Lovely_ chair, by the way"

-

On the other side of the mirror, they watched intently. Clint and Natasha were speaking off to the side, Steve had a consistent look of caution and professional curiosity, while Tony and Bruce were exploring a less professional curiosity. 

Tony put on a pair of spectacles. "Jarvis, do a full body scan on the guy" Jarvis replied with a crisp 'yes sir' and a few seconds later came out with an analysis.  
"Species: Unidentified  
Core temperature: 14*C  
Biology: Double cardio-vascular system and respiratory bypass.  
Lifespan: Unknown  
Immune System: Above average  
Metabolism: High, incompatable with aspirin  
His brain activity is past measurable EEG, sir"  
Tony whistled, peering over at the man who was currently throwing a light-hearted, sarcastic comment at Fury. 

A smile tugged at Tony's face.


	2. Stark and an alien

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two sardonic little shits in one room.

Tony sneaked over, peering through the small glass pane on the door. The Doctor seemed to notice him immediately in his peripheral vision, and whipped his eyes around to make eye contact. It was eerie, yet gave no sense of danger. Though the man's head remained facing at Fury, it was clear that the meek grin was directed at him.

Fury continued by drawing out what seemed to be a lunchbox with several components attached, that whirled to life when he switched it on.   
"What exactly does this do, _Doctor_ " he regarded his name with such disgust- almost mocking.   
The Doctor raised an eyebrow, smirking and lifting his chin.  
"What do _you_ think it does?" He replied, throwing back the question. Nick held the lunch box balanced on one finger through the handle away from him in scepticism.  
"Clearly this is some form of weapon. The question is, what does it do?"

The Doctors face fell. "How do you get the notion of a deadly weapon from a bloody lunchbox?" He laughed softly, "goodness, no. I don't carry weapons."   
"Likely story" Fury said cynically.  
"'m serious!" He pointed at the thing in Nick's hand. "that's just my timey wimey detector" he scratched his hair "It goes ding when there's stuff" he explained thoroughly.

From the other side of the door, Tony chuckled. Fury pinched the bridge of his nose, pushing down the handle and allowing Tony to tumble in.  
"Welcome to the party, friend!" Exclaimed the Doctor, patting his thighs energetically.

Tony and Fury exchanges a couple muffled words, and Fury reluctantly left, leaving Tony alone with the Doctor.  
"'Ello, T-To-Tony?... Right? That's your name, isn't it."   
Tony nodded, regarding his with more respect than the last person. "That's my name"  
"Ah, good. Sorry, I'm a bit rusty with lip reading and I just wanted to confirm" 

Tony took a step closer, sitting himself on the table, suddenly the Doctor giggled quietly and flexed his hand in his lap, and looking up and Tony.  
"Look- I know I'm fabulously hilarious, but I haven't even said anything yet."  
The Doctor shook his head, humming. "It tickles... Say, what's that in your chest? It's releasing a _massive_ amount of energy."  
"Ah, arc reactor." Tony replied, tapping it through his button up shirt, a faint light glowing underneath his finger.  
The Doctor murmured 'arc reactor' under his breath a few time before clicking his fingers frantically.   
"AH!" He said, a bit louder than intentional, "Tony- Tony Stark, revolutionised the 21st century. Member of the avengers, and whatnot" he ended lamely, suddenly looking mildly confused. "Wait. What year is this?"

"2011, not judging, but how do you not know what year it is? You must have really been living under a rock"  
The Doctor mumbled absently "Time travel, bit difficult to keep track to the last digit. Oh- look out for next year, by the way." He mentally scolded himself "right- no telling, spoilers."

"I have no idea what you just said, but apparently big man says he want me to ask you a few questions" he fiddled around with a few things on the pile of pocket contents "So without further ado, heeere we go"

Toby picked up the sonic screwdriver innocently flickering the blue light on and off.   
"What's this do?"  
"Oi! Don't mess with that, a sonic screwdriver isn't a toy you know-" there was a shrill crack. "Oh, would you look at that, you burst a bloody bulb- what, what did I just say?"

Instead of the reaction the Doctor expected, a grin split on Tony's face in curiosity. "Sonic screwdriver. Huh" he sat it down, rolling it over to the Doctor. "How does it work?" He asked, not being about to help himself.

The Doctor picked it up gratefully. "It uses soundwaves- hence the sonic. It can be used for lootts of things" he started excitedly. "Turning on lights, unlocking doors.. Making loud annoying sounds, standard stuff" he beamed, adjusting the settings and pointing it at the door. "..Like so" the door unlocked, clicking and opening. "Don't worry, I'm not going anywhere. Well, I do go anywhere- but just not at this time. Well, I probably have traveled at this time at some point. But that's not the point."

Tony stared at the man, he was certainly an interesting character.   
"I don't really feel like invading you privacy but I do want to know why this paper says 'You have an fantastic beard and like science. You're an interesting specimen.'"  
The Doctor chuckled, looking down- dimples flashing. "Psychic paper. It shows the reader whatever they want to see, kind of like a get out of jail free card. Or in this case, it showed an internal thought- apparently I think you have a brilliant beard. _Brilliant Beard._ That sounds amazing- _brilliant beard.._ "  
"Well thanks, I guess. You know- it's a lot of effort to keep such spectacular facial hair."


	3. Time Lord

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kind of a short chapter.  
> Also, don't mind the occasional grammar mistake. I mostly write this for my own enjoyment and don't methodically scrutinise every word.
> 
> Most of the time I go back and cringe, but never correct it because effort.

"So" Said Tony, making a conscious effort not to touch any of the unknown science-y gadgets, "Who were those other people? I was told to question you, so here I am. Tony Stark, interrogating some dude. Better get talkin' you know- or you'll have to sit through my sparkling personality for even longer than you have to"

For a moment the Doctor looked confused. 'Other People?' Then it hit him in the face. "Oh, you mean my past regenerations" he replied, accidentally externalising his thoughts.

Tony repositioned himself, pulling over a chair to rest his feet on as he sat. "Regenerations?" He squinted. The Doctor certainly was an odd one. Said Doctor nodded gleefully and proceeded to look around the room.  
"Surely you've figured out that I'm not exactly human. I mean look at me, these dashing looks are too much for a human" he refocused on Tony, a smile stretching across his face. "Or maybe you have figured it out"  
"Double cardiovascular system. Pretty impressive, if I do say so myself, but do you mind explaining what you mean by 'past regenerations'. What, are you a space newt or something?"

The Doctor chuckled, "Nope, no space newt here. All those people are me, well- not me me, as in the me right now, but a me from a different time- a different face"  
"Is regeneration some extreme plastic surgery or something? 'cause if so, direct me to your surgeon- they all look entirely different to you."

The Doctor rubbed his face, "When I'm under extreme physical trauma, I mean like- death is imminent trauma- my body undergoes a process where, essentially, every cell in my body is changed in order to save my mind." He tapped his temple. "Memories are kept, but the personality is different with each change. Well, structural moral coding stays the same but you get the picture."  
"Does it hurt?" He asked curiously.  
"Blimey- it's worse than death" he replied cheerfully, facial expression not matching the tone. "Though, alot of people just say It's the Time-Lord equivalent of man flu" he shrugged.

Tony took in this information, suddenly snorting at the name "Time Lord?" He asked.  
"Yes, that's what I am." The Doctor stated simply, messing with his tie.  
"What, do you balance out the universe by having conference meetings?"  
"Oh yeaah, pompous as hell, but clever. Never understood them lot myself, that's why I ran"


	4. Brucie Bear

Behind the scenes, Bruce was listening intently. 

The others were babbling to on another, occasionally pointing at the man and spouting off some ridiculous factor that _obviously_ hinted at hostile intentions.  
Natasha, in particular seemed to be studying his body language more than anything- picking up on miniscule ques that the others failed to notice entirely. She was the only one, aside from Bruce, who didn't catch violent vibes from him. She agreed with Clint, he'd obviously seen some shit, but he didn't seem the fighting sort- probably preferring to negotiate with the enemy instead of opening fire. 

"Surely you've figured out that I'm not exactly human, these dashing looks are too much for a human" the man's voice rang out, slightly muffled by the thin layer between the mirror.

A commotion built up quietly, like the gentle hissing of fiery coals. Bruce caught a few words, things like 'you think he's bluffing?' Or Steve's mumble of 'he looks human'.  
Bruce already had established this, of course, because he _may or may not_ have been listening to Jarvis's readings. Pulling up the sleeves on his lab coat, he slinked out of the room.

-

"Ran from what, may I ask?" Said a soft voice in the door frame. A man with spectacles walked into the room, giving a tentative wave at the stanger.  
"Ah, Brucie-bear!" Exclaimed Tony, gesturing for him to join him. "Sit with me, I was just having a pleasant conversation with our hostage." Said hostage smiled approvingly at the new face and wiggled his fingers in reply to his wave.  
Bruce leaned against the oblong table with his shoulders stooped over slightly. He tucked one hand in his pocket and re-adjusted his glasses with the other.  
"I'm assuming your alien then?" He asked curiously.  
The Doctor nodded "Oh yes" he said dramatically, leaping to his feet and scuttling over to Bruce. He eyed him with just as much interest as Bruce looked at him with. They stood almost nose to nose, the Doctor whipping his glasses on and ducking down to get a proper look at him. Two pairs of analytical, hazel eyes pierced each other through lenses, flickering up and down the others form.

"And by the looks of things." He started "You, my friend, are not _exactly_ human either" Bruce's breath hitched, despite trying to cover it. "Ah, sensitive subject." He took off his glasses, folding then and going to tuck them where a pocket would have been in his coat, grunting and putting them on the table.  
"Well, I'm going to back off now." He proceeded to take a massive step backwards, and smiling yet again after reaching a good distance.

Tony stepped towards Bruce, wordlessly comforting him just by being there. "How did you know about Brucie over here?" He asked protectively, with a tinge of interest. 

The Doctor shrugged coyly. "I know gamma radiation when I see it." He playfully pointed a finger at Bruce "And you, my curly-haired amigo, positively reek of it. As in, no human could survive that much coursing through their system: Conclusion, not human- or not anymore."  
Tony, who had presented himself as carefree and loveable, looked as if he was about explode at him for taking a jab at Bruce. Said friend noticed his tenseness, discreetly placed a hand on his lower arm and Tony relaxed, albeit still irritated at the Doctor calling Bruce not-human.

"Where did you come from then, spaceman?" Tony asked, steering his mind away from the previous conversation.

The Doctor flinched, his carefully crafted mask glitching momentarily. _Could he have chosen a worse sentance?_ he was still a bit rough around the edges from Donna, and reminding him of both her crimson hair and grass of Gallifrey was not helping.

"Oh, you know. A planet" he choked out, airways tightening.  
"Thanks for enlightening me. That tells us so much, now- what planet?" He asked, innocently inquisitive.  
The Doctor rubbed the back of his neck "...Raxicoricofallapatorius" he said, blurting out the first planet that came to mind.  
Tony raised an eyebrow, smirking "It's painfully obvious that you're lying"  
"I'm normally much better at if. Cross my hearts" he traced the index fingers of both hands over is chest in an cross. 

"...Right" Said Tony, faintly amused. "It's obvious your not going to unveil the _great mystery_ of your own planet, so- Bruce, any questions for him?"  
Bruce pushed his glasses up, "Actually, yes. How did you get here? And.. Why- for that matter." Then quickly added "Not that I'm shunning you away or anything."

"Rode on the back of a space whale" said the Doctor seriously. "...Good old Gertrude." He murmured whist fully, before cracking up into an ear to ear grin. "Nah, just kidding. Although space whales are, in fact, a good mode of transport.. Anyways, my ship is parked a little ways down the road. Well, was parked there until you lot tranquilized me like some ferral animal. Thanks for that by the way, no idea where I am now, of course. I'm guessing... Some sort of aircraft?" He paused to listen "Yes, definitely an aircraft- quite big too judging the sound of the engine and the century"  
"You mean, you just _parked_ your spaceship... In the road." Asked Tony bluntly, imagining a massive ship casually sitting next to a parking metre.  
"Oh yes, she's very discreet. People don't even notice she's there half the time, very useful when sneaking in places. Although the brakes do make quite a bit of noise... I really must get that fixed.. Anyways!" He clapped "I really must get back to her, so if you have any questions please say them quickly- I was on my way to charge her up at the time vortex when.."

"Time vortex?" Repeated Bruce.  
"Yes, that is what I said. Your ears do not deceive you."  
Tony sniggered lightheartedly "What- do you just travel in time, popping in and out of peoples' houses causing havoc?"  
"In short... Yeah"


	5. Whats attached its self to Brucie?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ooo a bit of plot. What's gonna happen? Spooky stuff

"Did this mother fucker just say he time travels?"  
Nick Fury wasn't taking any of it. He despised the Doctor to his very _core_  
His flashy grin, the way he talks back, and his constant tendency to monologue his way through conversations. 

He's been sighted for centuries, dating back to as far as the damn stone age. He didn't expect the man behind the countless cave paintings, tapestries and poems to behave like a toddler on LSD.

The little extra detail about the time traveling spaceship didn't exactly help matters either. Who's idea was it to give a man who acts like a hyper poodle a time travelling spaceship? Nick pinched the bridge of his nose, releasing a long winded sigh. He was too old for this.

"Cap, get your ass in there"  
Steve Rogers straightened up, giving Fury immediate eye contact.  
"What do you intend that I do sir?" He asked, giving a quick glance into the 'interrogation' room. They really needed to rename it.  
"I say that you get in there and demand access to his ship, that's what I say." He pointed a fancy gloved finger at the Doctor.  
"If he doesn't comply, restrain him and use means of force."  
Steve was quiet for a second, before giving a determined nod and walking in.

Steve was greeted by Tony mouthing 'Spangles!' at him.  
Great start.  
He looked around the room, it was an interesting sight to say the least. They were tangled up in each others limbs, Bruce holding a menacing looking vial connected to a sharp needle- scrabbling to his wits and trying to stab the Doctor with it.

"Just one vial!" He exclaimed, but the Doctor continued to scramble away.  
Tony looked up at him once more, this time mouthing something different and pointed nonchalantly at the scene beneath him. 'Don't ask'.

The pair continued to battle,  
"Do you know" the Doctor squealed "How much a _single drop_ could alter this whole timeline?!" He panted, standing up and leaping for freedom.  
"It's for science!" Bruce hissed, violently running after him until his knees suddenly buckled and he fell to the floor. His hand released It's grip from the needle and he leaned against the table, groping helplessly around for support. He un-tensed, limbs failing him and he sat there with glassy eyes that flickered around confused.

Tony was immediately at his side, muttering 'shit, I thought he was messing around'. Tony stared into his eyes, concerned by the few flecks of foresty green inhabiting the acorn brown.  
The Doctor was also knelt beside him, despite the fact that Bruce was trying to suck the blood out of him.  
"You there" the Doctor clicked his fingers and pointed at Steve. "Leotard, hand me my sonic" he nodded towards where it lay on the table. Steve looked confused for a moment  
"Some time today, thanks" snipped the Doctor, holding out an open hand for the screw driver. Steve placed in his hand. The Doctor muttered a hasty 'thanks', adjusted the settings and pointed it at Bruce.

Steve suddenly grabbed the Doctors wrist, yanking away the device.  
"Oi!" He shrieked, reaching for his sonic screwdriver, "Give that back!"  
Steve shot him an untrusting look. The Doctor groaned.  
"I just need to scan him. Promise. Then you can put me in handcuffs or whatever you Americans do" he eyed Steve's obnoxiously patriotic suit for a second and then wiggled his hand again.  
"I 'aint got all day, mate" After a second of what seemed to be a great self debate, Steve chucked the gadget back.  
"Thank you." He sighed and then pressed a button, making the screwdriver whirl to life. A royal blue light shon from the end of the rod, and a buzzy-whistle sound emitted from it.  
The Doctor tapped it, pressed it against his ear and appeared to listen to it.  
"What." Whispered Tony to the odd display.  
The Doctor flapped his hand "ShHhh!" He continued to listen until he apparently heard what he was looking for.  
The Doctor muttered something distastefully under his breath, it didn't sound like words- more like an airy song, but whatever he heard he wasn't exactly leaping for joy about it.

"I need my TARDIS." He said quickly, standing up and looking around frantically.  
"I need to get to my ship." He scratched his hair in distress, spinning around while thinking of a solution. He rubbed the back of his head and pointed at Tony.  
"You. Are there any spare planes- helicopters, anything? Hell- even a parachute, I can run. I just need to get back" his eyes crinkle and his eyebrows crease together, giving a worried look at Bruce who was currently a living vegetable- and smiled.  
"This went differently than expected" he knelt down and retied his shoe, looking up at them both. "I mean- it might be fun, right?"  
He exhaled. "Let's find out what's latched itself to Brucie over there!"

Steve, who was seemed to be in a permanent phase of confusion flashed a look at Tony, who shrugged.


	6. Welcome to the TARDIS

So here they were, as per the Doctor's request. They were currently all crammed into a helicopter, yes that's right- all of them.   
For some ungodly reason, Fury had insisted that they use the _smallest_ vehicle at their disposal. Maybe he was bored, maybe it was his idea of fun at his old age- watching them all scuttle around the few feet of space, trying in vain not to bump into each other.

The Doctor's mood, however, was not throttled. Quite on the contrary, he appeared to be enjoying every second of it- animatedly asking the crew questions and socialising to his hearts content.  
He was like a dolphin. He'd crouch down next to one person, talk to them for a bit and then splash on to the next human.

"So- every time you come close to dying, you just change your face and saunter away unscathed?"  
The Doctor looked at Clint, not really wanting to go into details.  
"More or less. It's a bit more explode-y though" he failed his arms, Clint assumed that it was his impression of what an explosion looked like. Clint liked the Doctor, he was still wary of him of course, but he seemed friendly enough to talk to.   
He may have been a space serial killer for all he knew- he heard some of the conversations he had with the other members. Rambling on about he was known as 'the Oncoming Storm'. The Doctor seemed to find this humorous- electing to giggle, shake his head and say happily 'the things people come up with'.

The Doctor stretched his legs out on the floor. There was only a couple inches between the balls of his feet and the other wall of the helicopter. Natasha, who was sitting next to Clint, peered her head around Clint's form asked.   
"How old are you?" At this, the Doctor's head tilted, and he smirked.  
He curled up a knee and rested it under his chin. "Guess"  
Natasha shot him an analytical stare that seemed to go right through him.   
"Normally, I'd say somewhere around mid twenties." She paused "but I'm guessing I'm right in assuming that you're alot older than you seem."  
The Doctor hummed.   
"What a clever birdie you are." He repositioned himself yet again- this body made it difficult to hold still- "I'm nine hundred and four" he didn't display any obvious facial expressions. Suddenly, he stood up, brushed himself off and pounced to the drivers' seat.

He leaned over, popping his head over the seats. He craned his neck to get a look out of the window "Where are we?" He asked.  
The driver didn't respond.  
"Sheesh who put a stick up your--" the Doctor's eyes widened, looking at the street below.  
"Oh!" He pointed. "Right there, that's her"  
The driver looked down, snarled and said.   
"I don't see any high tech ship down there, mate"  
The Doctor sighed. Bloody humans, to the untrained eye, the ground below was just littered in street and connected houses. However, on the corner of a street laid his TARDIS next to an illuminated lamp post.  
"Oi, see that blue box?"  
The driver grunted "Yeah. What 'bout it? 'ts just a box"   
The Doctor was slowly loosing his patience. "Well. That's my ship. Land down there and we can figure out what's wrong with Brucie here."  
"..Right" the driver said, pressing a few buttons preparing to land.  
"Thank you."

The great gust of wind from the propellers swooshed a few leaves off of a near by bush as they landed. The blades slowed and the struts of the helicopter made a metallic twang as they landed on the concrete. 

Everyone flooded out, arranging themselves on the path. The Doctor was about to step out when Nick Fury stopped him, held onto his wrists and slapped a pair on handcuffs on him.  
"You know I was only joking, right?" Huffed the Doctor, looking distastefully at the offending cuffs.  
"You don't _really_ need to put these on me."  
"The hell I don't" he snapped back poisonously.  
The Doctor made a face, shrugged and stepped outside, immediately fishing out his sonic and unlocking the handcuffs right in front of Fury.

The Doctor smiled directly at him, proud of his petty retaliation.   
"Oh, right- TARDIS"   
He ignored the confused mutters around him, and walked up to the blue box, patting the edge of it.  
"Wait-" spluttered Tony " _This_ is the mighty TARDIS?" He snorted, gesturing at the ship. "How on earth are we all supposed to fit in there? It's the size of a fucking porta-potty"  
There was a matter of 'language' behind him.  
"Shush Steve" he hissed.

The Doctor tilted his head and turned to face them all. He was determined to make this moment as dramatic as possible.  
"I wouldn't be so sure about that, Mr.Stark."  
He grinned, lifting up his hand for all to see and clicking his fingers.   
A creak sounded, and the door swung open.   
The Doctor gestured for him to go in.

"Holy mother of titanium alloy"   
He gaped, much like a fish taken out of water. However soon regained his composure and continued speaking.  
"Well damn. I eat my words-- the outside perimeter is smaller than the interior area." He walked up the stairs and sat himself on a piece of coral.  
The Doctor beamed "Never heard that one before- now! Let's get the rest of them in"

The Doctor herded them in like sheep, one at a time they entered. Each having their own reactions.   
Natasha went in with Clint, she kept a stony face- but it was clear that she was dumb stuck. Clint on the other hand had no problem expressing his thoughts into illogical blubberings of bedazzlement.   
Steve walked in, looked around just to run out and inspect the outside and run back in- proceeding to have an existential crisis. The man was impressed by a keyboard, for gods sake- the TARDIS was probably way too much for his mind to process, all cognitive functions going offline.  
Nick Fury waltzed in with a smirk, something was going on inside his head. The Doctor squinted in suspicion before yelling.  
"Right-o! We all good? Okay, let's go!" He closed the TARDIS door, and proceeded to pick Bruce up with a bit of a grunt.  
"Okay, follow me- were going to the medical wing!" He started walking down the stairs.  
"It's a bit of a walks, so... Any questions?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm definitely continuing this story. 
> 
> Thanks for all the comments, by the way, it makes it even more fun to write and gives that extra kick of motivation.
> 
> If anyone has any requests on what should happen, feel free. There's no real plot at the moment so I can make it as wonderful and weird as you want. Xx


	7. Bloody hell, do these corridors ever end?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oo I did a bit of research for this one. Apparently the TARDIS is grown from coral over thousands of years. I admittedly didn't have the effort to find out the little details. Enjoy

The Doctor meandered through the maze of seemingly endless corridors with ease. He twisted around winding hallways embellished with lights without even lifting an eyelid. 

He knew the TARDIS' layout by heart. He'd had nine centuries to do so after all, he was hardly a stranger to his beloved vehicle. Bearing in mind that on occasion, his ship decided to throw around the layout- temporarily throwing him off, bit it always returned to her normal state (only making adjustments when required).

By now they had been walking for around five minutes. Most of them had wrapped there heads (emphasis on _most_ ) around he whole ordeal and were now inquisitively asking questions as they walked.

"So how exactly does it work, Doc?"  
Clint soon found himself referring to the Doctor to his nickname.  
"Well" the Doctor shuffled, pulling up Bruce once more to prevent him from falling. "It's infinite space compacted into a small amount of area, almost everything time lord is... Explaining it as basically as possible, it's a whole other universe, indefinite space."  
"Woah woah woah... Hold the phone. This is a whole new universe- how did you do that?"

"Ah hah- now, that's where your wrong. A TARDIS may have fancy electrical equipment I, and may be wired up to cords and buttons. But she is not some primitive piece of machinery! A TARDIS is grown, not made. No one in all of time and space could craft such a spectacular thing by hand. Takes thousands of years, tenderly growing." He stopped and rested his head on the wall of the TARDIS. There was a buzz that vibrates across the whole room, making the hairs on the backs of their necks prickle. The Doctor smiled affectionately at this, looking up at the ceiling.

"Sorry to interrupt your moment with your... Ship- but what exactly just happened?" Tony perked up from behind the Doctor.  
"I guess you could say its her way of communicating."  
Tony looked around. "Her being the ship Im guessing."  
"Oi, she's not just a ship!" He made his voice quieter, leaving towards Tony. "Don't let her hear you say that, believe me- the shocks she throws out when she's offended..."  
He shook is head, remembering the time he accidentally called her unless, resulting in a weeks worth of shocking every time he touched the control panel.

"You talk as if she's actually alive."  
The Doctor shot him a goodhearted glare. "She is alive, you numpty. What, did you think that she was just an AI?"  
Tony nodded, a smile suddenly stretching across his lips, he thought that the Doctor's ship was just like a complicated AI, much like Jarvis- he was proved wrong I guess.

"AH!" The Doctor exhaled happily, twirling the top half of his body around to face the group and grinning. "'ere we are!" He stretched out his leg dramatically and stepped into the medical bay. 

From behind him, he heard "Finally" and a "What if someone was on the brinks of death, with their legs crippled? Bit screwed then- two left, a right straight on... All that nonsense- they would probably die before they reached the med bay. Honestly, you didn't think this out very well"

The Doctor sat Bruce down on a table lined in a white cloth. It wasn't like the cheap stuff at hospitals, it was sanitary while stylish- the squashy material hugging you skin comfortably as you sat down. Tugging on a handle on the wall, he yanked out a strange piece of machinery. It looked like a monitor, but was riddles with lenses and cameras at the front. The Doctor held it in front of Bruce, studying the nonsensical readings that popped up on the monitor.

"Sorry- but what exactly are you understanding from that, Doc. It's just a bunch if circles."  
The Doctor held up two fingers, signaling for Clint to shush without looking at him. A flicker of recognition washes over his features.

"Ah, of course!" He exclaimed, half excited, half groaning. He spun around, walking over to a drawer and pressing a few sleek buttons. There was a 'swoosh' sound followed by a ding and when the Doctor opened it he drew out a syringe. Without wasting any time, he slapped Bruce's elbow nook and stabbed a pulsating vein. Scarlet blood flooded into the needle and he plucked it out of his arm.

He gave a brief smile to the rest of them before thrusting the needle into a compartment and popping some paper into the typewriter that was sitting next to it on a diagonal. The keys started clicking furiously, the paper moves across and inked our letters were scribed onto the paper. Eventually, he pulled the paper out, put his glasses on and muttered under his breath.

"Bloody catheropites" he grumbled, reading the analysis. 

He spoke a bit louder, addressing them all. 

"Might have to go on a bit of an adventure to get 'im fixed up. How's about it?" He chirped, switching quickly from his previous mood.


	8. Radiation suckers

"Sorry to break your thunder, Doc, but what the is a 'catheropite'?"  
"Remember how I said he reeked of radioactivity?"  
Clint nodded.  
"Well, if I could sense it-" he pressed a few buttons, a screen flickering on. "So could our little friends"  
"Is that?.." 

"Yeaah" the Doctor sniffed, " _Naasty_ little buggers, they are" he grinned, and gestured to himself. "My ability to sense nearby radioactivity pales in comparison to the catheropites and it hit me like a truck- to them its like... Like a buffet! They feed on the stuff, you see." He ground his fingers together, interlocking his fingers and snapping his hands like a crocodile jaw. 

"They loiter around places with high radiation readings or latch onto a host- (exhibit A being Bruce) and stick their teeth in to hold on or root themselves into place."  
On the screen was a leech like creature, it was roughly the size of someone's thumb . It appeared fairly feeble and squishy from the rotating picture, but from the click of a button the squishy flesh hardened into a rigid shell embellished with pinprick like spines.  
"It latches on at an early stage in it's life cycle" 

He used his index fingers to mimic canine teeth in the corners of his mouth. "One of the things you need to look out for is the inverted teeth. They're like bloody fishing hooks, get caught in that and you'll probably have to cut some skin out." He smiled pleasantly, dashing over to Bruce, who was hastily shoved onto the table.  
"The thing about catheropites" he rolled Bruce onto his shoulder. "Is that it takes a helluva lot of motivation to- you know, get them to kindly piss off and not kill the host"

Steve piped his head around. "How exactly do we do that then?"  
Tony continued "There's not exactly a manual on how to get an alien parasite off of your best friend."  
"Have no fear, the Doctor is here!" he exclaimed triumphantly, before slouching his posture back to normal. "Where did that come from in my brain... -ahem- anyways, we're going to have to find it first- aha! There you are.." Just underneath Bruce's shoulder blade was the creature, still shiny with mucus from being hatched and wiggling lamely every so often. They watched as it convulsed and twitched, digging its way further into his skin until it nuzzled into his flesh.

The Doctor put of his glasses, observing the creature. "Do you want the good news, or the bad news first?"  
He turned is head to face the rest of the team, who were staring at the parasite with a look of disgust and horror.  
"Anyone? Look, I know your all dumbstruck with your friend currently..." He gestured vaguely at Bruce who's eyes were glazed over, with a stream of saliva licking at his chin. There was no real explanation needed, just the sight of him was enough to know what he meant.  
"...Yeah. BUT!" He added. "I need you all to stop gaping like fish and cooperate. You're 'Earth's Mightiest Heroes' or whatever right? A little life sucking slug shouldn't be the _worst_ thing that you've ever seen."

Natasha stepped forward. "Bad news first"  
"Ooh, well aren't _you_ a ray of sunshine" the Doctor said playfully before straightening up and a dressing them all.

"Well, the bad news is that your friend has approximately twelve hours left before the creature reaches the second phase of it's life cycle." He walked over and poked the catheropite that was suckling happily of Bruce's shoulder, watching it writhe.  


"Aand once that happens it'll be alot more than a walk in the park to get it off." He clasped his hands behind his back, coordinating from standing on his tiptoes to rolling back onto the balls of his feet. "We should try and work as quick as possible to ensure his surviv- Oi! Do NOT do that under _any_ circumstances!"

The Doctor rushed over to Tony, tripping his wrist and thrusting him away from Bruce's body. He looked at Tony's distressed face, the lines wrinkling on his forehead.

"I know that it is.. Tempting" he whispered, as he dragged Tony off to the side. "To just- rip it off and get it over with."  
"-You mustn't let a difficult situation get the better of you. Panicking makes it worse, clouds your judgment." His face suddenly altered from deathly serious, to his normal bubbly self.  


"Plus" he beamed, the Tony didn't find it appropriate for the current situation."Stress gives you wrinkles" he winked, and leaped off towards the control panel.

The Doctor began flipping levers, turning dials and dramatically pressing buttons that probably didn't actually do anything. "In order to get ourselves out of this rather crumby situation, we're going to need to take a little trip to the catheropite's planet of origin."  
"..And that is?" Asked Nick, who had- until this point- stayed quiet. (The Doctor thought he caught him caressing a piece of coral earlier, he got a bit defensive over that but didn't say anything)

"The planet is called" at this point he made a series of squelching sounds. "Wait, did you even hear that?"  
"You just kind of smacked your lips around" said Clint, both confused and amused.  
"Ah, right- their language is one of the few that the TARDIS doesn't translate.. The only reason that you understood catheropite is because is wasn't the" he made another squashing noise "that named them." He ran around the control panel "Explorers" he clarified.

"Well, without further ado ladies and gentlemen, the plane is about to take off!" He wrapped his hand around the last lever, speaking over his shoulder at them and imitating a pilot. "It is recommended that every personell keeps there arms, legs and other limbs inside the vehicle at all times. Grab a buddy, hold on tight... because here we go!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a couple things left unanswered in this one like:  
> *Why can't Tony just rip of the wobbly wobbly worm?  
> *What's Nick up to? He seems a bit suspicioso  
> Don't worry children, everything will be answered soon enough.
> 
> Also, I need you people to answer something in the comments.   
> Who should stay behind and look after Mr Comatose? I thought maybe Steve because I'm bad at writing for him and he seems like the mother bird type. But- up to you lot!


	9. [Squelching pterodactyl shrieks]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> AH, the wonders of an alien planet... What awaits them? A stunning view of the various suns as they rise gloriously over the glistening mountain range of crystals? Beautiful wildlife that's so gentle and pure as it frolics through the blue tinted grass? 
> 
> Or possibly- oh... Or that. That's good too.

The TARDIS throttled violently, the Doctor who was gripping onto a handle with ease watched as the others struggled to remain upright and not be thrown across the room like a ragdoll. He grinned, almost mocking their struggle as he held on with a single hand in contrast to Steve who hadn't prepared himself and was now paying the price.

"'ts a shame your metal-armed boyfriend is absent, Steve! Good grip, that one!" Laughed the Doctor as the wheezing sound of the TARDIS was heard, loud as a siren as is it vibrates through the walls.  
Steve, who had a permanent look of disgruntlement on his face shouted. "What?" Over the loud wooshing.  
The Doctor chuckled, "Nothing!" And with a final cough, the TARDIS halted to a stop, throwing a couple people off guard and tossing them across the floor, much like a tortoise on a patch of ice.

"Right. Everyone got their bearings?" Without waiting for a response, the Doctor kept babbling. "Good! Now, off we go- oh wait, actually." He nodded his head towards Bruce who was twitching absently "We're gonna need someone to -ahem- play babysitter for a while while the rest of us go exploring." He allowed silence to blanket over the group. "...Any volunteers? Oh, come on- don't look at me with those blank faces! Someone needs to."

"I volunteer, _Doctor_ " Fury's voice was heard at the back of the crowd. There was something a bit off in his voice. It was a few notes higher than usual, and kept at a consistently calm level that he had never used towards him before.  
The Doctor looked at him, discreetly looking him up and down.  
"No"  
"And why exactly not?"  
"I said no, and that is final. Besides" he smiled, and saw Nick's eye twitch, "You can keep an eye on me- as you have clearly made your distrust towards me pretty note worthy and I wouldn't want you feeling as if I'm putting your precious crew in harm's way." The Doctor skimmed over the group of people in front of him, suddenly putting an outstretched arm around Steve.

"Steve, my buddy... My pal- would _you_ do the honours?" Steve gave a a nod, eyes flickering momentarily at Nick who gave him a wink (or just blinked, but he assumed it was a wink)  
"I'll do it, Doctor."  
"Great! There's the spirit! I'll even bring you back a trinket!" The Doctor gleamed. Swooping an arm out towards the rest of them, he signalled for them to follow his lead

Unlatching the TARDIS door, the Doctor pushed it open with one glorious hand to unveil the wonders of the new world that was in front of them. Sunlight streamed through where the door opened, hitting their faces... Along with a few leaves that insisted upon pushing their way through.  
The Doctor, who had been standing there to the side, awaiting their response of awe was a bit disappointed by the fact that the spiny foliage had decided to rain on his parade.

"'Just a sec" he grumbled, and he transported the TARDIS over a few metres. Thankfully, the group didn't react as much this time as they held onto each others arms for support. The penguin-like huddling was more efficient, and a few seconds later, the Doctor ran over once more to open the door.

_Sunlight streamed through the open door, warming their faces. Nothing could compare to the tranquility of this moment. What sounded like birds could be heard in the distance, rustling calmly through the thickets and a sonorous buzz filled the atmosphere, making skin tingle and toes curl._

They stepped outside to behold the wonders of the new planet before them. Booted feet pressing on the lazuli grass, they waited patiently for the Doctor to come out.  
"We'll be back in- ehh... Approximately a few hours." He threw a small device covered with buttons to Steve, who looked at it confused as he saw the Doctor's face disappear behind the door as it closed. 

"On we go then, don't be shy- the most dangerous thing on this planet it the leaves so don't worry!"  
"Mm, yeah- ignoring the fact that there are life sucking slugs in the area, the most dangerous thing is a _squishy little plant" Scoffed Tony._

"Well, technically they manipulate radiation to-" The Doctor started spouting off an explanation that no one really asked for, until Natasha shut him up.

"Shush for a second. There's something coming closer, did anyone else hear it?" She looked around, "You heard it, right Clint?" Eying her friend, she watched him pull off his shades and look at her.  
"I'm deaf." He stated dryly. Never the less, he didn't doubt her judgment and started acting more cautious, looking around himself.

The planet, that no one could pronounce the name of, was wierd but wonderful. Towering above them, like skyscrapers were trees with twisting, curled branches and pulsating veins along the bark. Perched on the appendages were lethargic winged creatures that you couldn't quite call birds, that were gelatinous and only had handfuls of scraggly plumage as 'wings'.  
Sure, occasionally an odd newt-like creature would slop onto land and complete its whole life cycle (and die) within a matter of seconds in front of them, but it all added to the alien and (slightly disgusting) aesthetic of the slimey planet.

Clint looked high and low, his sharp eyes skittering past the carnivorous, drooling plants and peered down into gaping ravines lined with a nasty looking slippery mucus, but no intelligent lifeform (or even one that seemed willing to move) was found.

"Dunno, 'Tash. I don't see anything-" one second he was there, the next he wasn't. Held in the ginormous claws of a flying beast, Clint was being carried away at an alarming speed. Shouting various shrieks of terror as he watched the ground get farther away and his friends grow smaller and smaller, he squirmed trying to wriggle free but to no avail.

"Well. That happened"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry. I don't know what I just did.
> 
> But the plot thickens, my friends. Just how will Clint make it out? 
> 
> Should I continue this? I feel like I've hit a new record of oddity with this chapter. I don't know if that's good or bad to be honest. 
> 
> Anyways, tell me what you think- I have formulated a plot, but I like to know what you beautiful, humanoid creatures think.


	10. Overgrown Space Chicken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wowie I forgot about this for ages, but I'm still alive and here with some more of that quality content you all want to see.
> 
> This is turning into an absolute mess of a fic, but somehow I like it. It's fine though, if you have read this far you have low expectations for me anyways.

Clint held on for dear life. He was slightly disgusted by the fact that the creature's claw still had residue and clumps of meat from it's last meal stuck between the ridges, but then again he was in no position to complain.

_Nothing dangerous my ass_

Wiggling to at least get a decent look of where he was going, he sat up- arms wrapping around a long, gangly leg of the animal. Beneath him was a massive forest lining the grounds like an umbrella, on the tops of the trees he could see swarms of beetles devouring squashy looking fruits like lawnmowers and then scuttling away to move onto the carcass of a large purple ape.

_Yep, definitely not dangerous_

Clint watched as he travelled further and further away, approaching a tall cliffside. Along the rocky edges were spherical structures made out of assortments of twigs and some sort of writhing moss. _Are those nests..?_ He held on tighter yet as the bird beat it's powerful wings a few more times, landing on rock protruding from the side. It perched there, unfurling its massive wings to stretch out- cascading a large shadow across the pebbled grounds beneath it. Bending its neck around, the bird began to peck at its feathers, snapping its beak in a controlled way to fix the plumage. Clint saw his chance and he took it, the beast was distracted and he had an opportunity to get the hell out of dodge- slipping between its claws he landed on the floor with a quiet thump. He took a tentative look upwards, but there was no reaction from the looming creature from above. Eyes scattering around the area, he inhaled taking in the situation he was now in.

There was a fairly clear path steering off to his right, sure it was riddled with what looked like leaves with fingers but that should only be a mild game changer.

With his eyes set on freedom, Clint dodged the countless twigs and jagged rocks around him like a ninja in a field of Legos. In any other situation, the way he leapt on quiet toes would be beautiful, graceful even (if you got past how ridiculous he looked) but as he was now coal hopping on blades of grass in the most intense environment imaginable. To say that the pressure was on was an understatement, one wrong footfall and his carefully crafted escape route would shatter and he would be the dinner of an overgrown space chicken.

He had faced formidable foes in the past, but he really didn't like the glint on those bulging, off centred eyes.

-

It was absolute madness, thought the Doctor as he tried to gain the attention of the squabbling humans surrounding him.

Where's Clint?' They would say,  
'I thought you said it wasn't dangerous!' They would yodel, as they tried in vain to squint and look up to the sky as to see where the flying rat had taken their friend.

"This is what we get for trusting an _alien_ " scoffed Fury, glaring intensely.  
the Doctor spun around and jabbed a finger in Fury's direction.

"Oi! You listen here, darling. I may have a bloody massive brain, but contrary to popular belief, I don't know everything. So yeah, punish me for not knowing that a _few_ carnivorous animals may have evolved over the years." He huffed childishly, not reacting as drastically as the other members over Clint's sudden kidnapping. "It was lovely the last time I visited- oh you should have seen the swarms of lantern grubs fluttering through the evening sky-"  
There was a cough, followed by a poke on his shoulder.  
"-Sorry to interrupt you little self-indulgent nostalgia fest over here, but may I remind you that Clint was literally plucked off of the ground like a tiny sushi roll" Tony, who was growing a bit impatient said from behind him.  
"Ah, yes. I should probably do something about that, shouldn't I?" There was a silence accompanied by a few salty glares that he imagined meant yes.

Suddenly, a vibration started to emanate from the Doctor's pocket. He fished out a small, cuboid device and folded it out to create a large flat surface that he promptly threw onto the floor. "One second" he mumbled, poking a few buttons that made the surface throttle slightly and then spit out an image of a nervous Steve in front of them. The Doctor made an 'ah-ha!' noise and twisted a few dials to make the hologram clearer.

Steve was holding the camera awkwardly close to his face, but no one said anything once they saw the situation at hand. Bruce, barely visible past Steve's jawline was seen foaming at the mouth from behind him. "Ah!" The Doctor said happily "I see you figured out how to use the communication device I gave you!" He beamed casually, then gestured to Bruce. "What's up with big man over there? Does he normally do that?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey this is a downwards spiral. Tell me if you, as a complex individual, would like to read more of this for some ungodly reason.


End file.
